Sludge, Rainwater and Trust

2010 was the craziest year of my life.  I felt literally turned upside-down by the separation from my ex husband.  When I realized he had slept with another girl in our bed, I think that actual sense left my head and was replaced by sludge.  Yup, that is the best way to describe it.  The sludge made decisions.  The sludge went to work.  The sludge tried to have friendships... and lost some of them.  Some days I literally felt so upside-down that my balance even seemed off as I would walk.... my head seemed to slosh.  I really had problems.  I like the Shel Silverstein Poem:

RAIN
I opened my eyes
and looked up at the rain,
and it dripped in my head
and flowed into my brain,
and all that I hear as I lie in my bed
is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head.

I step very softly,
I walk very slow,
I can't do a handstand-
I might overflow,
So pardon the wild, crazy thing I just said-
I'm just not the same since there's rain in my head!

Yah, that hits it on the nail.

Over the past two months or so, I have felt the sludge slowly disappear.  The rain is leaking out of my head, and I am beginning to see very clearly that I have been heading down a path that isn't going to take me to the destination God has for me.  Maybe that is why God has been bugging me so much lately... now I can finally hear Him say "This way!" 
I am leaving some people on that path that I care VERY MUCH about.  As I change direction, just a smidge, and head onto my new path... just 5 degrees more North... I will leave them behind, because our paths will continue to widen apart, and soon we won't even see each other because of how far apart our paths are.  Our paths my not intersect again.  This scares me... because that path is what I have become used to.  I am nervous to start out on my new path.  But I need to TRUST that God is leading me this direction, and not be tempted to turn back to familiarity.  It's only because I actually trust God that I can do this.  I ask for your support, if you know me.  This is very difficult for me to do.  My heart is breaking over it.

I am so glad Jesus left the 99 to look for me.  God is so persistent in His love.... He is so relentless. 

Rejection, and the Past

I was always a care-free child.  I don't remember knowing what rejection even was, let alone felt like.  I always, always, ALWAYS spoke my mind.  I loved to make people laugh!!  I never gave a care about what my clothes looked like, or how much money my parents made, or what toys I had.  All I remember caring about was pursuing the things I loved with vigorous passion.  I loved art.  I would spend hours and hours in my room at my desk, or sitting on my bed sketching cartoon characters, making comic strips, and writing funny stories.  I loved to read.  I would also spend countless hours pouring over library books.  Did that make me a nerd?  I sure didn't care one way or the other!  The thing I loved to do the most as a child, (even up into pre-teen age), was play pretend.  My imagination would take me places I could never go, and enable me to do things I could never do!  I could be a bird, flying into the sunset with the wind in my face, (my best friend would be flapping right along side me)...  I would close my eyes and feel like it was actually happening.  I will never forget those times.  I still feel it rise up in me.

You may be wondering now what caused me to wake up from my fanciful life and start worrying about what other people thought about my antics.  Well, it was when I felt my first rejection.  I will forget a lot of things in this life, but I will never forget that day.  I was 10 years old.  My best friend in the whole wide world, the one who flew beside me as a bird, climbed fences with me, made up stories with me, and dreamed with me.... yup,... she made fun of my personality in front of a couple of girls.  It got worse and worse each time we hung out.
Shortly after that my family moved about 700 miles away to a remote house on the Klamath River.  I entered 7th grade halfway through in a brand new school as a shy, quiet nobody.  I don't remember being able to trust anyone in my life enough to break out of my shell until 10th grade.  Yup, that was a lonely time for me.
Somehow all along I knew that I was worth knowing, just the way I was.  I knew God made me this way on purpose and He makes beautiful things.  I still felt it hard to trust God, let alone other people.
I will spare you the details of the massive rejections I have felt through life as I grew into the person I am today.  It is always the people you love and trust the most that can hurt you the most, you know?  I am still struggling with wanting to let my real self shine.  I feel so caged in sometimes.  It makes me so mad that the culture we live in today so badly wants to place everyone into a mold of some kind.  Why do people feel the need to label each other?  Why do they feel the need to judge?
I recognize that in order to forgive the people that have rejected me in the past I need to leave it there.... in the PAST.  Jesus did.  He stretched out his arms to Jerusalem and cried.  He wanted to take them into His arms but they wouldn't come.  They rejected Him.  They thought He was odd... And He still pursues them!!
I struggle every day with fearing rejection now... but I feel like I will overcome it the more I let myself shine out.  I was walking on a forest path yesterday and put out my arms... I almost felt like I was flying.

So.....

So I've never blogged before. Ok, go ahead and laugh your rump off. Yah, it's me. Becky. I just want to maybe talk here and there at you. Maybe no one will read. Eh, I don't care too much. I love to read blogs. I think maybe I can entertain you and let off steam at the same time. Is that the purpose of a blog? YAH, it is. Love going out to you all. And check back tomorrow.